The Great Guinea Pig Smack Down

As the Jurors settle into the Jury Room at the oversized Mahogany table and plop into the high back, leather chairs, the Bailiff announces, “You are to deliberate on the case of Sir Moximillian Von Vicious versus Sweetie Pie and return to the Judge your verdict with any damage recommendations.” 

“Aptly nicknamed the ‘Great Guinea Pig Smack Down’!” jokes Juror 2. He is “number 2” for a reason!  

“Let’s go over the facts of the case before we start to deliberate,” begins the Foreman. “I will project the facts onto this screen. As you remember from the courtroom pictures, don’t be persuaded by the cuteness of the plaintiff or defendant.”

The case started with Ms. Jones returning home to find a “scene from a Freddy Kruger movie if Freddy Kruger was the size of an Oompa Loompa.”

“Now, there’s a visual,” whispers Juror 2 as he elbows his neighbor.

The walls were soaked with blood from the ankle down in every room of the house. Knowing she had left the beloved family guinea pig, Sweetie Pie, in the bathtub to dry following a bath while she was gone, Ms. Jones immediately assumed a vicious animal had savagely attacked Sweetie Pie. Perhaps, a raccoon had entered her home through the cat door.

While Sweetie Pie was a very large, docile male guinea pig, he was blind in his right eye. If approached on his right side, he was easily startled.

“I thought he had a marble for his right eye,” interjects Juror 6, seemingly puzzled.

“Why would a guinea pig have a marble eye?” replies Juror 2 sarcastically. “Besides what difference would it make? You can’t see with a marble eye!”

“I had a guinea pig once. He had two little, marble-sized…,” adds Juror 3 before Juror 2 interrupts him. “We don’t need to hear about your pet’s marbles, pervert! Let the Foreman continue so we can get the hell outta here!”

The Foreman, fumbling through papers, continues, “It does say Sweetie Pie had a glass eye though it doesn’t specify if it was a glass marble eye. In this case, I don’t think it matters if it was just glass or a marble. What’s important is fault.”

Juror 6 giggles, “I still think it was a marble eye! Perhaps, a cat eye! Those are my favorite! Get it? A ‘cat eye’ because it was his eye.”

“Continuing,” the Foreman glares.

Upon checking Sweetie Pie in the bathtub, Ms. Jones discovered her guinea pig was unharmed and possibly the culprit of the vicious attack. She questioned what could’ve happened as there were quartered-sized, crimson footprints leading out of the bathroom.

Ms. Jones followed the bloody trail into the kitchen and found her neighbor’s prized show dog Sir Moximillian Von Vicious, known as Moxie, visibly upset and shivering in a pool of blood in the corner. She applied pressure to the gaping wound on Moxie’s neck while calling his owner.

Moxie was on the lam. He had liberated himself from his yard. He was living the free life of rolling in smelly garbage in front yards. While out, he decided to go visit the Jones’ house to see if the kids had left any bonuses from lunch on the floor. He hoped the cat food bowl was full. 

After letting himself in through the cat door, Moxie had attempted to attack Sweetie Pie in the bathtub as he had done to so many defenseless moles in neighbors’ yards. However, fighting for his life, the docile, half-blind guinea pig had gone for the jugular! Following his escape from the bathroom, Moxie had ambled around the house squirting blood from his wound onto the walls in every room.  

Ms. Jones reports that Moxie’s owner, Mrs. Snodgrass, entered her home in hysterics. She scooped up her dog and rushed him to the emergency vet. Between sobs, she muttered that he was “perfection personified” and “thug guinea pig.”

Moxie received eight stitches in his neck very close to his jugular vein. The vet explained that if the puncture had been a half-inch over that Moxie wouldn’t have survived the attack. He asked what kind of animal could’ve caused this much damage? He was surprised when Mrs. Snodgrass explained that the children next-door’s pet “thug guinea pig” perpetrated the near fatal attack.

Moxie had a reputation in the neighborhood for killing moles, chasing cats, and entering neighboring houses through pet doors to eat cat food whenever he could escape his yard. He was also a highly decorated champion show dog with impeccable bloodlines and a promising stud career.

“A stud who had his ass kicked by a one-eyed guinea pig!” Juror 2 laughs under his breath. The Foreman scowls and points to the screen.

The unsightly scar on his neck had ended Moxie’s lucrative show career. He was no longer the perfect dachshund specimen. His owner was suing for compensation from lost show earnings and future stud fees for her disfigured dachshund as well as the pain, suffering, and trauma caused by the vicious guinea pig attack.

After the Jurors deliberated and voted, the Foreman stated, “We have reached a verdict! Our work here is done!” Juror 2 clapped.

“Do you want to hear about my guinea pig now?” asked Juror 3.  

Juror 7 chimed in “For the record, I like Freddy Kruger. He was awesome! But, those Oompa Loompas give me the creeps!”

Juror 2 looked at Juror 7 in disbelief, “Dude, you like Freddy Kruger but are afraid of Oompa Loompas? What kinda crazy sh….”

Before the conversations could continue, the Bailiff entered. Everyone jumped up out of the high back chairs. The jurors exited the Jury room for the last time as they filed into the courtroom to deliver the verdict to the Judge. The Foreman read aloud, “We, the Jury, find in favor of the defendant and recommend no damages be awarded to the plaintiff.”

Sweetie Pie not only won the “Great Guinea Pig Smack Down,” but was also exonerated of the charges!